Ass Wiping Quiz
by Trevor Turk
TAKE THE WHAT DO YOU DO AFTER YOU SHIT QUIZ. SERIOUSLY. It beings with an email from Damon:
So I always wanted to get a website going, where people can go and write their name, if they crumple or fold, and any additional comments they might have. Basically, it’d start off as a ‘foward’ to see who does which, but aslo it’d be fun to see just how many people will actually respond. What do you think?
What do I think? I think crumpling is gross. That’s what I think…
Update: The results are in:
Crumpling is gross. End of story.
I agree, folding is the only respectable option.
I prefer to take a shower after every shit because I have issues with wiping
No toilet paper silly. Pick a hand and use a little bit of water. It's a little soggy but you gotta do what you gotta do.
I have this great image in my head of Trevor sitting on a toilet, the air sodden with the heavy, juicy scent of his farts, meticulously folding into little triangles & origami swans his toilet paper before callously abrading his rectum with rough & forceful swipes, and it's not because I imagined it.
One must crumple to get the maximal volume out of one's toilet paper. Then your hand need not be so close to the poop.
For the past few years, I've asked this question to quite a few individuals, and I've recieved about a 60/40 folders to non-folders ratio but that was only within a tiny sample size of about 50 people…now it's time to really find out who the majority (NORMAL people) are. Folder for life!!! All you crumplers just have too many air-pockets up in that wad.
So basically, fuck a fold. All you crazy guys out there, sitting, farting, folding . . . just ridiculous. The crevices and jutting corners of the crumple are the only way to a guaranteed clean ass.
Folding is the only way to go. It's nice to have something to do with your hands while reading. By the way, kudos to Damon for finally having an website devoted to this issue.
Don't forget to wash your hands!
do people actually spend time neatly folding what's then going up their asses? i'm actually pretty flexible, but i do insist on lighting a match to diffuse the stench. smashing–it makes pooping fun again!
Strangely enough, down here in the southern hemisphere you fold in the other direction than in the northern hemisphere….I'm pretty sure it has to do with the gravitational pull that circumnavigates the equatorial regions of the universe.
it's all about the crumple, though recently i've made a break through.it's called flushable baby wipes (for grown-ups)it totally elimanates the need for the post dookie shower. and kudos to you damon for getting this project rolling, or folding as the case may be.ha ha ha. seriously though, damon you have way too much shit, i mean time on your hands
Why spend the time to fold. No one is looking to make sure you wipe your ass all polite and shit. You pull it off in a clump so use it in a clump. Or do you little prissy folders pull it off all nice and neat. As a man of the can I can tell you that clumping allows for more folds per clump which means less paper per poop. That's all I have to say about that!
You guys are some suckers. Wiping is so 80's anyway.
What a concept, folding poo paper….I've never heard of it. I say just grab, wipe, and go. Who cares about form?
Folding is a waste of time!
all you "folders" harbor beauty queen dreams. just wad that shit up, joe. yo this quiz (shout-out damon) needs some questions about pooh, and perhaps pee.
Johannes has mentioned the southern hemisphere already, perhaps in New Zealand they do it differently (with sheep for instance) but here in Aus there are so many damn Kangaroos everywhere we usually just grab one of their heads and clean ourselves up with that. You didn't think Roos were naturally brown did you? They're actually born pure snowy white…
So I marked the circle for crumple because I more often crumple. I also fold. Folding is done less frequently and often in times of the unexpected or public shit. I also fold during the relaxed sunday morning shit. I think it is a matter of time. If I'm at work and need to shit and get, I crumple for speed. It is also a matter of distraction. If i have a newspaper, magazine, book, shampoo bottle or some other form of reading material I'm probably crumpling. If i'm just waiting to get out of the stall I may fold to pass the time. Folding is unnecessary but an enjoyable distraction all the same. I think one advantage to folding is you waste less paper. Crumplers often abuse the roll. I think if I were more wealthy I would use the adult baby wipes those things really are awesome. You really feel like your ass has been cleaned. If you have the time skip the paper and wash that ass in the shower.
I have to disagree with the crumple wiping method. I used to do that when I was a kid until I experienced the finger slippage factor. You know, when you haven't securely crumpled the toilet paper enough to ensure that a finger or two might slip through straight to the crack where all the crap lies. Yeah, that sucks like whoa. So I've been an avid folder for quite some years now.
I can't believe I'm the only chick that folds… Guess I'm just anal retentive….
The Bottom Line
Folders are the future leaders of our society. Unite and we can scour the poo-hand smelling, tree-killing, ass-tissue-ripping crumplers from the face of the Earth!!!1!!!11
y0 th1s qu1z he11a sux dood hay d1d yuo see th4t new prais hilt0n vid, itz sw33t as hell oh w3ll gotta go l4ter trev!!!!11!!111!!!!
clearly, folding is the way to go. otherwise you're left with toilet paper jammed all up there. and I know you know what I'm talking about crumplers…
I can't believe the folders are winning. The distance between the
hand and the ass is clearly minimized by folding, and that, to me,
is highly unacceptable.
Who the hell folds? What kind of neat freak would do such a thing?!
if its love, you will lick
i fold about 17 squares for maximum thickness. i need a lot of paper between my hand and my shitty asshole.
hey guys you know what the arabs do? they wipe themselves with their left hand, that's why they always shake hands with the right one. As for myself, I use a small handkerchief that I wash afterwards (saves a lot of money!) also, when I invite friends over they sometimes use it too, I know they do cause I'll find poo that's not mine on it!
wow you have to be pretty "anal"(hehe) to go all the way to the point where you freaking fold your toiletpaper…
I am a folder–I don't even understand how crumpling works. It seems like crumpling would generate inconsistent results. But while we're on this subject, I'd like to raise a related issue. I was reading a list of George Carlin one-liners and one of them was something like this:
"How do blind people know when they're done wiping?"
This hit me like a ton of bricks. What a silly question. They know the same way I do–by feel. Do people actually LOOK at a soiled piece of toilet paper? George must. How many others of you do?
And on this subject, I have had two roomates who were stand-up-wipers. I am a sitter. You can sit on the toilet, and lean to one side when you want to wipe. You don't have to stand up–it's gross and awkward.
I want to commission two new surveys:
1) are you a paper-looker?
2) are you a stand-up-wiper?
I just wipe my ass
If anyone is interested I can sell you my ass wipe
and send it in a bubble package!
I think I have the only method that you have never heard about. This is what I do: I unravel the roll, crumple it, then unravel about 15-20 extra squares. I wipe my bum with the crumpled ball, then I roll the excess toilet paper over the poo spot twice, so that no poo is visible, then I wipe again. When it is all rolled up, i unravel the roll by just holding onto the last square and letting the ball unravel toward the toilet by force of gravity.
I know this sounds gross, but I never touch any poo, and it's fast which means you can get tons more wipes in, and by unravelling it at the end you never clog the toilet. Although seemingly ironic, I am a clean freak, so with all the extra wipes I wipe until I see no more poo on the toilet paper.
The reason I formulated the method was so I wouldn't use tons of toilet paper and could wipe my butt clean without clogging the toilet. Just try it once, see if you like it, but if you tell anyone be prepared to lose friends..haha. And remember, wash your hands thoroughly after any pee or poo, no matter what. Later
Listen, wrap it around your hand and reach under and wipe it. I call it the "Duck and Shovel"
Never knew people took the time to fold something that was going to be soggy and covered in shit moments later. I bet folders are usually the same people that buy the expensive toilet paper. Also never knew some people wipe sitting down…seems kinda lazy to me. Stand, crumple, and wipe your ass!
Folder for life man. Crumpling is for lazy ass people who don't care if they get clean. I've crumpled before. Sometimes, when you crumple, you wipe your ass and it unravels, having a roll of shit hanging down making it very awkward. Very unclean you nasty ass crumplers!!!!!!!
I don't fold, I don't crumple. I just use three pieces (1 up, 1 down and 1 to polish) and then wash hands thoroughly.