Remember Krang

by Trevor Turk

Remember Krang? From the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Well, I do. And one other thing: I think it is safe to assume that all human beings will one day resemble Krang. Maybe we won’t all end up evil, I’ll grant you that, but we are likely to end up as spineless globs of pink goop. You know what I’m talking about. You and I both know that Krang is too weak to suvive without his big yellow body-container to protect him. Do you want to end up having to live in the belly of a big yellow man?

Sure it all starts with glasses and crutches and hearing aids and hand lotion and soap and fake teeth and toothbrushes – but mark my words: we are sidestepping evolution! We are flying in the face of all that is Darwin. Can’t you see that? How are we supposed to evolve as organisms when we help the weak to live? How can we evolve when the weakest of our people continue to procreate? When we put on glasses so that we may see better – and not be hit by busses and MACK trucks – we are inviting Krang into our hearts and minds. I mean – look at babies. I mean it. Take a good long look at a little baby, and then take a good long look at Krang. You see what I’m talking about now, huh? It is clear as day. One day we will all end up looking like Krang. And I wouldn’t put it past us to be evil, too. Some people might even say we are already an evil plague that infects this world like so much poison.

I am the Warlord Krang, wrongfully exiled from my homeworld for crimes that I did not commit, despite what the evidence and two million witnesses might say! I was framed! Since my unlawful and unjust exile to Dimension X, I have been attempting to prove my innocence so that I may rejoin my people and serve them as a proper Warlord would… by beating them into submission and forcing them to pledge allegiance to me! Bwah hah hah hah!!!

Now, is that what you want to end up as? An evil glob of pink goop?

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